I’m a fan of the Irish exit. Grammarly tells me this term is outdated, so I’ll rename it as the vero exit. It’s my preferred method of exiting most locations and events, particularly parties and gatherings. The vero exit is leaving without saying goodbye. Sometimes it’s not necessary to say goodbye.
Loneliness is an overwhelming feeling. I find myself torn at the cusp of participation and exclusion. I don’t particularly care about what most people have to say, and I don’t particularly want to be heard and understood by strangers. It’s a bit paradoxical, I know. I want to meet people, and I want to date. Yet, I don’t want them to know me – at least not right away.
I constantly find myself wanting more and wishing I had less. I want stronger connections, yet I wish fewer people knew me. I want someone to love me, yet I wish I didn’t have to expose myself to be loved. I find myself knocking at my own door, wishing I’d open up to myself. I know myself, yet I am so self-aware that I know I’m the last person that’ll know how I feel.
It’s not ideal. Let me in. I should be the first to know how I feel, yet it feels like an expedition. I don’t know what I’ll find, and others don’t know what to expect. I keep people on their toes because they don’t know how I feel and can’t express it.
I could tell you that it’s the way I was raised, and that’s why I’m emotionally inept. I mean, it’s true. It’s also true that I’ve been aware of this for the past few years and have been trying to fix it. Not hard enough, evidently. It’s hard; I know you know. You’re probably not good at this either. Years of being lied to by others and by yourself have led to this point. You don’t know how you feel or why. That’s not healthy, but it’s not abnormal.
The vero exit can be considered a bad habit or an assertion of power, depending on who you ask. I don’t give a fuck. It’s just easy. No goodbyes, no promises. Many don’t like that, though. People like closure. I can’t give them that, and I’ve never been able to.
It’s easy to exit abruptly because it requires little emotional thought and consideration. It seems easier, but it isn’t. At the end of the day, I still feel lonely and deprived of affection. If I was going to feel like this anyway, I should’ve at least given closure to those that wanted it.