Let me guess. You’re a procrastinator that still hasn’t bought me a gift. You read Jessica’s article and realized I would hate to receive any of those items. First of all, fuck you for waiting till the last minute. Second of all, I’m here to save you from the embarrassment of giving me a bad gift.
- Money. Personally, I’m a big fan – no matter the currency. It’s a really thoughtful gift that lets me know you love and appreciate me. I take cash, CashApp, PayPal, checks, money orders, bank transfers, and gift cards.
- Halloween-themed shit. Sick. Or Spongebob. I love that tiny, yellow freak.
- Pure gold. It might come in handy eventually.
- Those really tiny plant pots. They’re so fucking cute.
- Chinese food. I’ve been craving Chinese food for a while now, but I keep forgetting to go buy it. If you could do me a solid and get it for me, that would be great.
- The clothing you think would look good on me. I won’t like it. Don’t bother.
- Hugs. Don’t come near me.
- Introduction to your ‘cool’ cousin that’s looking for a wife. We all know how I feel about long-term things.
- Death. Not unless I asked you specifically.
That’s it. I’m a woman of simple pleasures. Better yet, don’t get me anything. I don’t even like gifts and don’t want any of this shit.